Wit or Wisdom ??

 

Wit or Wisdom  - You Decide!!!!

 

 

 

WHY DIDN'T YOU THINK OF THIS?     Wish I had!

 

Did You Know??
 
The Goldberg Brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, the Inventors of the automobile air conditioner??
 
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
 
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit, Michigan was 97* degrees.
 
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
 
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
 
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130* degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
 
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
 
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
 
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
 
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
 
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

------------------------------
Control yourself!!!
------------------------------
Yes, Snopes says it's false...!!


"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot, the guy who invented the other three, he was a genius!"
Contributed by Nancy Rockwell Anderson  RHS '58

 

Drinking and Driving

I would like to share an experience about drinking and driving.  As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.  A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.  Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before.  I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!  cheeky

 

 

A MUST READ
Going places
 I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport so you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a  sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
 
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
Sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I have been in Deep - trouble many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going soon!
Contributed by Barbara Arthur Pretzsch  RHS '58

 

Hm-mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! ! ! !

Thou Shalt Never irritate a woman, who can operate a backhoe... 

Thus endeth the lesson.

 Women are Angels...and when someone breaks their wings...they
simply continue to fly....on a broomstick...They are flexible like that... 

 

 

 Sage Advice(?)
1.  Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 
 
2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on my list. 
 
3.  Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
 
4.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 
 
5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 
 
6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 
 
7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
 
8.  Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 
 
9.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research. 
 
10.  A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station. 
 
11.  I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 
 
12.  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' 
 
13.  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
 
14.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 
 
15.  Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 
 
16.  A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 
 
17.  I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 
 
18.  You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 
 
19.  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
 
20.  There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 
 
21.  I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure. 
 
22.  You're never too old to learn something stupid. 
 
23.  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 
 
24.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
 
25.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
 
26.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
 
27.  A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 
 
28.  Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were. 
 
29.  I always take life with a grain of salt.  Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 
 
30.  When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
 
 
Words of Wisdom 
 

 

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

 

As we get older  - - -

We sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
 
Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

 "I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
 
 Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Contributed by Tom Priestley RHS '58
 
Men Can Fix Anything!!!
No Spoon?  I Can Fix That! Seat Belt Broken?  I Can Fix That!
TV Too Big?  I Can Fix That! No Bottle Opener?  I Can Fix That!

 

 

Life With a Senior Driver

'Nuf Said!!!!!!!

 
You Decide!!!
Contributed by Nancy Rockwell Anderson RHS '58
 
Inner Peace
If - you can start the day without caffeine,

If - you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
  

If - you can resist complaining and  boring  people with your troubles, 

If - you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, 

If - you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, 

If - you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If - you can conquer tension without medical help,

If - you can relax without liquor,
   

If - you can sleep without the aid of drugs,    

  ...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!    


  

 And you thought I was going to get all spiritual and intellectual!

 
 Contributed by Barbara Arthur Pretzsch RHS '58

 

 

 

 

Gentle Thoughts for Today

 

A penny saved is a government oversight.
 
The older  you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
 
The easiest way to find something around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
 
Did you ever notice:  When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
 
Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
 
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.   Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 

Four Worms and A Lesson to Be Learned
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
 
Four worms were placed  into four separate jars..
 
The first  worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette  smoke.
The third worm was put  into a container of chocolate syrup.
The  fourth worm was put into a container of good clean  soil.
 
At the conclusion of  the sermon, the Minister reported the  following results:
The first worm in  alcohol - Dead.
 
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive! 


So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration?
 

Maxine was sitting in the back, Quickly raised her hand and said, 

'As long as you drink,smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' 

 That pretty much ended the service!   Oh, That MAXINE!!! 

 
Good Housekeeping Tip
Another Maxine Tip ...Always keep several
get well cards on the mantle...
So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.
 Sounds Like a Good Idea to ME!!!!
Contributed by Rich Guenther RHS '58

 

 Do You Wish You Were 18 Again??
 
 Contributed by Tom Priestley RHS '58
 

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed. 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 A. A. A. D. D.

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.   Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.  This is how it  manifests:

I decide to water my garden.  As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.  I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.  I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.  So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

 

 

Bob Hope, thanks for the Memories. . . . .

 
HOPE THIS PUTS A SMILE  ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

Tribute  to a man who  DID make a difference:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May  29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
 

 

 

ON  TURNING 70:  

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.  

ON TURNING 80:  

'That's the time of your life when even your  birthday  suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90:  

'You know you're getting old when the  candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100:  

'I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything  until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'  

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY  CAREER,  BOXING -  

'I ruined my hands in the ring.  The  referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR -  

'Welcome  to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'  

ON  GOLF -  

'Golf is my profession. Show  business  is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS -   

'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER -   

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,   ' Congratulations.. You have an eight-pound ham'.'

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL -  

'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'  

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY  -

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got  cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS -  

'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - 

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'   

ON GOING TO HEAVEN  -  

'I've done benefits for ALL religions.  I'd  hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'  

 

 

 Contributed by Nancy Rockwell Anderson RHS '58

 

The Ride of Your Life - Enjoy the ride -
There is no return ticket!
George Carlin's Views on Aging - A Good Read -
Worth Reading Every Day
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE.
 
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?  If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half.  You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.

 

 

 

 

YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; We had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.

What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2.  Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4.  Enjoy the simple things.

5.  Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.  We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

 
 
 
 
A Poem for Computer Users over 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.