Life's Lessons


 

 

 

 

 

 

Well Known Laws Provable by Experience
 
Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
 
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
 
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
 
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
 
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
 
Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
 
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
 
Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
 
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
 
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
 
Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
 
Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
 
Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
 
Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
 
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better.  But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

This is a Stunning Commercial from the BBC 

Take a Few Minutes to Watch

The Lesson Here is - the Photography Shows US What a Wonderful World We Live In.

Something We All Need to Be Reminded of From Time to Time! 

Contributed by Nancy Rockwell Anderson  RHS '58

 

Fun Day at the Beach in Alabama!!!
Click on the Photo to See the Video
Contributed by Nancy Rockwell Anderson RHS '58

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.  

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change waiting lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet, & who leave early. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance.Aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.   Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,and by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Contributed by Nance Rockwell Anderson RHS '58
 This is a Must See!
Enjoy!!!
Contributed by Barbara Arthur Pretzsch RHS '58

 

 

 An Obituary printed in the London Times.....

So True !!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- and maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable
strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 


Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. 

It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 


Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

 

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Contributed by Tom Priestley RHS '58

 

 

 

 

Survival Kit for 2013
Toothpick - to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself. 
 
Rubber Band - to remind you to be flexible.  Things might not always go the way you want, but they can be worked out.
 
Band-Aid - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.
 
Eraser - to remind you everyone makes mistakes, but that's okay because we learn by our errors.
 
Candy Kiss - to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment every day.
 
Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family.
 
Bubble Gum - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
 
Pencil - to remind you to list your blessings every day.
 
Green Tea Bag - to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of all your blessings.
 

 

 

OBSERVATIONS ON GROWING OLDER
~ Your kids are becoming you... and you don't like them... but your grandchildren are perfect! 

~ Going out is good.. Coming home is better!

~ When people say you look "Great"...  they add "for your age!" 

~ When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them. 

~ You forget names .... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!! 

~ The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds. 

~ You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .. especially golf. 

~ Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember. 

~ The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. 

~ Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed.   It's called his "pre-sleep". 

~ Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?   Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident! 

~ You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...  Now, "I hope they STAY married!" 

~ You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

~ When GOOGLE, ipod,ipad, email, modem .... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table. 

~ You used to use more 4 letter  words ... "what?"..."when?"... ??? 

~ Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. 

~ Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M.  Next week it will be 8:30 P..M. 

~ You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it. 

~ Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!! 

~ What used to be freckles are now liver spots. 

~ Everybody whispers.

~ You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear. 

~~~~ But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies, And best of all,
OLD FRIENDS!! 

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.
 

 

 

Watchout When Grandma Goes Court!!
(That's All I'm Sayin'!)
Contributed by Barbara Arthur Pretzsch RHS '58

 

Life Lesson of the Day
Contributed by Barbara Arthur Pretzsch RHS '58

 

 As You Slide Down the Banister of Life
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.  It's called ........   'Ministers Do More Than Lay People' 

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 

3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss,  the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring. 

 
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash  and it is gone. 

5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in  the bathroom. 
 
6. I hate sex in the movies.  Tried it once.  The seat folded up, the drink spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 

7. It used to be only death and taxes. 
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 
8.  A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a  large trash can. 
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.' 

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.   
       
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way.
 
NOW GO HAVE A GOOOOD DAY.......
Contributed by Rich Guenther RHS '58

 

 

 OXY-MORONS!!!
 

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 

2.  Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"

when we are already there?
 
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting? 

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
 
28.  Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
I dunno, why do we?
Contributed by Barbara Arthur Pretzsch RHS '58

 

 

First, I was dying to finish high school and start college.  And then I was dying to finish college and start working.  Then I was dying to marry and have children.   And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could go back to work.   But then I was dying to retire.    And now I am dying . . .

And suddenly realize I forgot to live!!!

Don't let this happen to you - Enjoy each day!   

  - Author unknown

 

To make money we lose our health and then to restore our health we lose our money . . .

We live as if we are never going to die, and we die as if we never lived . . .

 

 

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
 
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise.  It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
 
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
 
 
NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. . .
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause. . . kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses. . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.  I go somewhere to get
something and then wonder what I'm here after.
Keep on smiling. . . it makes people wonder what you are thinking!
 
SENIOR HUMOR
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind. . . it doesn't matter.   -  Mark Twain
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"      -  Satchel Paige
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding a sickness you like."
- Jackie Mason
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone.
Age only matters if you're cheese.
Cultivate an interest in the classics: seduce a senior citizen tonight.
Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.
He who laughs, lasts.
I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
If I knew I was going to get this old,  I would have taken better care of myself when I was young.
If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.
Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.
My grandson asked me if I still look at young women, I said yes, but I can't remember why.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer it really dates you.
The golden years:   When actions creak louder than words.
There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all-bran?

 

  Aging

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age 
and start bragging about it.