I would like to share an experience about drinking and driving.  As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.  A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.  Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before.  I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it! 

Thou Shalt Never irritate a woman, who can operate a backhoe... 

Thus endeth the lesson.

We sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
 
Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

 "I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
 
 Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

'Nuf Said!!!!!!!

  ...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!    

 And you thought I was going to get all spiritual and intellectual!

The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive! 

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration?
 
Maxine was sitting in the back, Quickly raised her hand and said, 

'As long as you drink,smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' 

 That pretty much ended the service!   Oh, That MAXINE!!! 

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed. 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.   Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.  This is how it  manifests:

I decide to water my garden.  As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.  I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.  I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.  So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

 
HOPE THIS PUTS A SMILE  ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

Tribute  to a man who  DID make a difference:

May  29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
 

ON  TURNING 70:  

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.  

ON TURNING 80:  

'That's the time of your life when even your  birthday  suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90:  

'You know you're getting old when the  candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100:  

'I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything  until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'  

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY  CAREER,  BOXING -  

'I ruined my hands in the ring.  The  referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR -  

'Welcome  to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'  

ON  GOLF -  

'Golf is my profession. Show  business  is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS -   

'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER -   

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,   ' Congratulations.. You have an eight-pound ham'.'

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL -  

'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'  

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY  -

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got  cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS -  

'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES - 

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'   

ON GOING TO HEAVEN  -  

'I've done benefits for ALL religions.  I'd  hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'  
 

YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; We had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.

What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2.  Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4.  Enjoy the simple things.

5.  Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.  We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!